


The Utzers - by AnysCake

by SissolxJeffC4ever



Category: Actors RPFs, British Actors RPFs
Genre: Humor, Multi, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-10 22:43:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18417395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SissolxJeffC4ever/pseuds/SissolxJeffC4ever
Summary: SUMMARY: Mark Rylance and Company, in a parody of The Life of Food. Nuff said. Read on your own risk, I mean it.oOoPART 11 of the Ultimate(Broadway Transfer) seriesoOo





	The Utzers - by AnysCake

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I have no idea where I got this inspiration, so it might just lower one’s IQ at one point. 
> 
> A/N 2: I own no one, as usual, only their parody names. 
> 
> A/N 3: Also, Roger Lloyd Pack didn’t perish in this! Just a notice. He and Angus had an agreement on their stage roles, so no worries, fans : )

(Mark Rylance POV) 

 

(2018 December) 

 

I was back in my Cooker way earlier than expected, mainly because it’s almost the end of the year, and it’s almost New Year 2019. As usual, I’ve invited everyone from the Globe Bakery Chef-Lineup and the Broadway Chef-lineup.  
I was glad that my Sweet Peas were both out of the Cooker, since I couldn’t stand them shouting at each other, or maybe just engaging in totally unsavory games. They’re childish, to say the least.  
Oh, and I almost forgot, my name is Tart Frylance, the former gourmet director of the Globe Bakery. I was the gourmet director all the way till 2005, when I decided it was enough for me. 

I was still thinking about the Globe Bakery when the keyhole started scratching, and the door crashed open, with my Sweet Pea, Ham Breadcrumbs, zooming in. He was delighted to see me, to say the least.  
“GUESS WHAT??? GUESS WHAT???” he hollered, looking at me delighted. Ham is from Scotland, so I’m not surprised when he’s completely hyped up. He loves to pour Scottish whiskey in everything, though. “I GOT A FOOD-TASTER IN A SPAGHETTI DELISH COOK-BOOK CALLED, ‘AN INSPECTOR COOKS’, HAH!”  
I looked up from my Ham-slice book I’m reading. Brilliant. 

I was reading Ham-slice because my other Sweet Pea, Asparagus (W)rice(yes, his name is a pun), was one of the food-tasters in the cook-book, by William Shakes-Beer. Along with Asparagus, he was joined by Andrew Skittles, Juicy Stevenson, and a couple of other chefs.  
Ham was impressed, as usual, because he could be impressed by anything.  
“Hey, so are the others coming as well?” he asked. I nodded. Sure, most definitely. Jam Goulash and his Sweet Peas were sure enough joining in, and maybe Asparagus would bring his 1984 co-chefs. I could only wish he wouldn’t try to re-cook the meals they did when they collaborated with Sherbet Ice.  
Speaking of Sherbet Ice, Asparagus also told me something else — they collaborated again when the latter was doing Ham-slice. 

I was still thinking of Ham-slice when the door crashed open again, without me or Ham hearing the key scratching. Maybe it was because Ham forgot to close it tight. And in bounded Asparagus.  
“YOU DIDN’T EVEN THINK OF TELLIN’ ME ‘BOUT YOUR FOOD-TASTING IN ‘AN INSPECTOR COOKS’, HAM?” that was the first question he screamed when he entered.  
I shook my head and went upstairs to my room to continue reading the cook-book, instead of hearing them screaming at each other again. Fortunately it wasn’t with fire, otherwise they’d burn the house down.  
Ham wasn’t impressed, to say the least. 

“I decided to tell Tart and then tell you,” he said back, “now, there’s better news: there’s a chef-reunion.”  
If I could kill Ham I would have.  
“AAAAAAAAH-MAZING!” Asparagus hollered, then I heard feet stomping up the stairs, and the room to my study flew open. “GUESS WHAT, TART? GUESS WHAT? THERE’S A CHEF-RENION COMIN’ UP AND WE’RE HYPED UP! WE’D BETTER GO AND CONTACT THE OTHERS AS WELL, AND MAYBE, IF YOU WANT, GATHER THE OTHERS FROM THE GLOBE BAKERY!”  
I was totally on the end of my pasta-string with Asparagus’s screaming. 

“I GET IT.” I said back, firmly, with Asparagus’s eyes shining a new light, other than his usual intense look, “and no toasts until I trust you, Peanut, and others.” 

oooooooo 

That was what happened pre-celebration at my Cooker house, which is called the Frylance-(W)rice-Breadcrumbs house. It sounds ridiculous, I know, but wait till you hear this. Peanut Baloney Slicer, who constantly calls himself George Oreo, the writer for the cookbooks Animal Fillets and 1984, the latter cook-b0ok Asparagus had read before, and tried the recipes inside; lived with Jam and Jethro, and their Cooker was called the Slicer-Goulash-Skinner Cooker.  
Of course, Peanut was there, along with his Sweet Peas named Jam Goulash and Jethro Skinner. At the same time, Colin Hotdog was there with his own Sweet Pea, Paul Kebab. Paul is Iranian, that’s why his surname is different. Still, he was one of the best chefs in the group of mine.  
There were others, as well. 

Other than Peanut, Ham, myself, Asparagus, Jam, and Jethro, there was Spaghetti Fries. I know that’s a weird name, but bear with me, please. Spaghetti was popular because of his game show about food that’s called QI; or, Quite Interesting. Even though Spaghetti wasn’t a chef specializing in Shakes-Beer’s recipes, the food director, Tim Carrot, got enough credits under his belt for Spaghetti to join without over-cooking our meals.  
Spaghetti wasn’t the only one here, though. He brought his own friends, Alan Anchovies and Hugh Licorice over. At the same time, Asparagus brought Andrew Skittles and Andrew Gourmet with him. Skittles and Gourmet were already hitting it off fine, so I wasn’t worried. 

Roger Lollipop-Pack was with his own friends, David Jelly and Nicolas Tiramisu, whom they made meals together on a television cooking show named Only Cooks and Horses. Why it was called that, ask Roger.  
Meat Harrington was there as well, and he’s the only other one in the Broadway Transfer chef-lineup, along with Asparagus. Meat was friends with Jethro; why? Again, I have zero idea, exactly like Coke Zero.  
And what was fortunate was that Asparagus and Roger tolerated each other. 

They were watching television, which had, as usual, news about people burning down kitchens and whatnot, along with news from the Globe Bakery. You should know that my group of chefs are like family, and every chef reunion is crazier than heck.  
Speaking of crazy, Peanut also had his best friend, Orchard Oreo, here. Orchard was way older than everyone else, since he was (brace yourselves) the son of George Oreo, the food-writer for Animalia Fillets and 1984. 

(Some hours later…) 

The others were finally getting down from their high and turned on the television. Ham and Asparagus were cuddling, while Jam, Jethro, and Peanut were also cuddling on the other side of the couch. I was sitting on the armchair and the others were around the dining table.  
The television was now broadcasting on the events leading up to the big moment, and Ham and Asparagus were already ready to kiss each other, just in order to confirm their relationship. 

“And the let the countdown commence!” the reporter cried, and the speakers went way loud.  
“In 10… 9… 8…”  
The tension also spread to my fellow chefs around the place.  
“7… 6… 5…”  
“HAPPY 2019!” before the countdown could even continue, Hugh and Alan jumped up and punched air. 

I didn’t know how could I not’ve face-palmed my brains out.  
“4… 3… 2… 1! HAPPY 2019!!!” finally, it was time, and already it was midnight in London.  
The couples kissed each other passionately as if they were lollipops to each other, and that was saying something. 

I smiled to myself. Speaking of establishing one’s relationship, was I glad I already did. 

oOo 

End chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: OK, I know this isn’t awesome, but bear with me here, please. Also, stay tuned to the next chapter… > : D


End file.
